dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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