I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
