i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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