There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
