New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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