Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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