They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
