I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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