some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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