I want to have your abortion
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
