ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
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