The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
In other news, I just burned my penis
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
