I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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