god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
