I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
All the doctor said was why
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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