I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
someone owes me an orgasm
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize