If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
