It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
