I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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