The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
