this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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