exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just want to make out with him forever
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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