3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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