i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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