We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
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