He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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