Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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