so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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