I hope mine doesn't look like that
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
