I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
