Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
