Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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