70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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