pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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