This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Let's paint friendship bongs
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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