Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize