erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I could make wine with my vomit
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
