Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize