At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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