is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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