I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
