What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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