who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she smelled like a LAN party
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
