my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
