i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
