just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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