Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
