i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
