Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
