By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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