It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
