Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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