im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
