If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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