i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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