Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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